“We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.”
“[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean”
…”the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany ”
” America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r”
On the Alfa Romeo Brera… “I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I’m nursing a semi!”
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster – ‘It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom’
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
“There is a word to describe this car: it begins with “s” and ends with “t” and its not “soot”.
Hammond: “So its fairly terrible then?”
Clarkson: “Oh no… losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!”
“Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people – and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs… all we know, is that he’s called the Stig!”
“The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite”
“Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That’s what gets you.”
“I’m sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”‘The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw’
“Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… BEING STABBED?”
“The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler”
(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
“You aren’t allowed to have a party, you aren’t allowed to have music, you aren’t allowed to play ball games, you aren’t allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it’s a concentration camp!”
“This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying “Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.”"
(Mercedes CLs55) “Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.”
“I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: ‘trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong’
“I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, ‘I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted ‘Get a car’, and drove off.’ What I actually said was, ‘Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating tw*t ”
” Britain’s nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe… probably because they don’t have wheel-chair access”
“If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10 days in 10 years”
“Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don’t feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we’ll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!”
On the Lotus Elise: “This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory”
“Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that’s the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate…”
“I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just……..”
Hammond :”THAT bad is it?”
Clarkson:”Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!”
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.
“The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them.”
Clarkson: “You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didn’t you spot that?!”
Hammond: “I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph.”
Clarkson: “What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I’m going to notice it!”
“Sure it’s quiet, for a diesel. But that’s like being well-behaved… for a murderer.”
“I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time”
“There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching… on their face”
“Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face. ”
“Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps.”
“You cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to Stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lap dance, shes a woman!”
“During the break we got complaints that we don’t show enough green cars so here’s one…” Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago… in bright green
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car…in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! “Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.”
For the love of Aston Martin V8 vantage roadster
“I would be in this car rather than in kiera knightley” 
About Sarah Jessica Parker:
“People think ‘oh she must be pretty’. She isn’t – she looks like a boiled horse”
‘…as useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm.’
“The 407 is like one of those French films you sometimes find on FilmFour in the middle of the night. It promises much and it delivers plenty of pubic hair. But somehow that isn’t really enough”
Top Gear news, Japan race episode, talking about the new Ferrari..
“I’m going to say something else brave now, you ready? Thats not very good looking! and you know something else, there hasn’t been a good looking ferrari since the 355. We all think there good looking coz there good cars but there not good looking enough… I tell you what its like, who’s that girl out of sex in the city? Sarah Jessica Parker, she’s another one.. well she must be pretty.. yer know, she looks like a boiled horse!!”
BMW Z3: And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here’s your car.
Range Rover: Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.
Lotus Exige: To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bakofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.
Renault Espace: This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!
To the petrol attendent in Japan (whilst wearing a Bill Oddy mask) “he can spot your beaver from about a mile away”.
Ferrari 430 Scuderia
“It’s like God having really unusual sex… it should come with toilet roll”
