The (completely made up) iPad Review
The embargo is over and I can finally announce that I have not had an iPad to play with or review for the past week (not like that Andy Ihnatko fellow). Yes, I signed an embargo to not say that I didn’t have an iPad before the release. I’m terrible about contracts (I have 8 time shares, 4 adopted children, 2 wives, and an endorsement deal from Rita’s Water Ice). Now that I can finally talk about the fact that I have nothing to talk about, I thought I’d share my (completely made up) review of Apple’s new iPad.
The Missing Piece
When Apple first announced the iPad, they promised to fill the lonely, pathetic void that laptops and cellphones leave in your life. Steve was quick to point out how much of an idiot you had to be to own a netbook, and wanted to make you feel better about yourself for making the stupid, moronic mistake of investing in a cheap, underpowered laptop. The solution to your complete incompetence was the iPad.
Now that I’ve had my hands on an iPad, I can confidently say that I live a much more fulfilling life. I read books again. I can grow a fuller mustache. I was able to kick my pesky skittles addiction. All of this, thanks to the iPad.
Apps, Apps, Apps!
While the nay sayers have been saying nay since the iPad was announced, calling it a big iPhone, I have been pretty confident in the potential of a beefed up device with a big screen. My god, was I so totally right! The apps that I previewed are absolutely mind blowing. While I’m still under embargo (and contractual obligation to mention how delicious a Rita’s Misto Shake is when you combine chocolate mint water ice with chocolate custard) from several app developers, I can say one thing: 3D is coming, and it’s going to be huge.
When I first opened the box, I was surprised at how brown it was. In all the pictures and videos you see circulating on the internets, it looks like the iPad’s back is made of aluminum and the bezel is black. It turns out that everything is brown. Very brown. It takes a little while to get used to, but after about 20 minutes, I can confidently say that brown is my new favorite color and Apple made a brilliant design choice.
Once I got comfortable with how brown the iPad was, my attention turned to the weight. The walk-through videos that Apple has posted on their site show people easily lifting the iPad with one hand. I have no idea how they can do this. Before I installed any apps, it easily weighed 30-40 pounds. After I got a few apps installed, it weighed upwards of 90 pounds. If you plan on taking this tablet on the road, you may want to invest in a gait belt or a wheeled suitcase.
After spending 10 minutes trying to find the power button, the iPad turned on almost magically. It turns out the applause from a studio audience on tv was loud enough to activate the Clapper which is embedded in the upper left of bezel, just like the ambient light sensor on the iPhone/iPod Touch. Technology sure has come a long way and I’m glad to be a part of it.
We have come to always look forward to the next big thing that will change the way we work, play, dance, and work. I can confidently say after the time that I’ve spent putting the iPad through it’s (again, completely made up) paces, the iPad is that next big thing. That is, of course, until Apple makes the device that fills that void between the iPad and the iPhone, which my sources tell me will be called the iPhad.